Let me show you that, You're Not So Alone, honest you aren't

I will never get past just how alone all of us with some form of neurodivergence feel on a regular basis. I really wont. The more I talk with neurodivergent people, the more I hear, over and over again, that they just feel so alone in their suffering. I hear about how hard it is for them to connect with other people, let alone make new friends or even seem to keep the friends they do have. I hear about how they just feel so lost and alone all the time. The part that gets to me the most, is just how much I understand this feeling, and just how many people can all feel alone at the same time. 

We live in a world where mental health is just finally becoming something that people are actually focusing on and getting the required attention for. When you look at history you can see how mental health issues have been seen and dealt with, so it's not surprising that people are afraid to speak up about what they are going through. History is littered with examples of mental health facilities where the patients were treated like "lab rats" and submitted to all kinds of tests without any concern for the patient themselves. Or examples of mental health issues being seen as demonic possession by the church, or as some form of witchcraft, and these people were either exiled or put to death in excruciatingly painful and very public ways. Or they would be locked away at their parents house and only spoken of in hushed tones while the neighbors and family treated them like some kind of family not-so-secret shame. Or how kids with even the slightest learning disability would get put in all special education classes with all the other kids who got separated from the world and called names and shunned from normal groups of kids. Or…….. The list goes on and on, and it is no wonder that people with neurodivergence aren’t usually willing to speak up and admit that they are struggling and in need of help.

All of us who fit in this category spend a lot of our time feeling like we are alone and the only ones who are going through it. We stay up at night worrying that we are going to be stuck this way forever, broken and lost and confused. We don’t understand why our brains work this way, why we were cursed to always feel so alone and different. We just want to be normal, but we aren’t sure what normal even really is. We can’t see inside the minds of those around us, but based off the way they react to the world and talk about things, we are sure that they don’t feel even close to as bad and broken as we do. That thought couldn’t be any further from the truth.

I say it often, but it’s true, You’re Not SO Alone. I know you feel like you are, and I know that those feelings pile up on you till you feel you can’t take it anymore. The truth is that many more of us feel that way than you would ever guess. Some are just way better at hiding it than others. Though the fact that they have gotten so good at hiding it is an issue in and of itself. Neurotypical people, whether by accident or on purpose, force us to try to live in their world. Through their words and their actions, the neurotypical world constantly reinforces this feeling of being alone and different and broken. The world is built for neurotypical people, which makes us neurodivergent feel like we don’t belong in it. We spend so much time focusing on how we don’t fit into their world that we never stop to think that there might be other people out there like us. We don’t think that maybe the neurotypical world isn’t the only world out there. We don’t take the time to try to find others like us who may be going through similar things that we can lean on. Why? Because we’ve always been taught and shown that opening up about our mental issues and struggles is wrong and it’s something to be kept in private.

Well, I for one have no desire to live the rest of my life feeling alone. I don’t want to feel broken anymore. I want to have people to talk to and rely on. I want to have people who are willing and able to be open with me about their struggles, and me with them. I want to know for certain that I am not alone in this world. I want to know for certain that there are others who struggle like I do, and have them know that I struggle right along side them. Then, maybe then, I will actually feel like I have a place where I belong. Maybe then I will finally feel heard and seen and no longer alone.

I’m starting this journey right here and now. If you feel the same follow this link to the NeuroSpicy ‘R’ Us Facebook group. Let’s build a community together that can reach out into the world and help others feel like they aren’t alone. Let’s build a community of the broken and forgotten. You know, us Misfit Toys.

You’re Not So Alone that you can’t reach out and find others like you.

You’re Not So Alone that you have to stay stuck in your own head forever.

You’re Not So Alone that you need to stay feeling this way every day.

YOU’RE NOT SO ALONE!

Podcast Version

Yes I'm struggling, but no, I don't know what would help

How do you tell the world you're struggling, when you have no idea how to have them help? If they do notice you're struggling, is there really anything they can do for you? When you aren't even sure yourself what is causing your struggling, how do you express that to anyone else?

Have you asked yourself these question before? If you are neurodivergent in any way, then I am 99% sure that the answer is yes. We all struggle, not all in the same ways, but we all do struggle. However, trying to lock down what it is exactly that we are struggling with, or what triggered it, or what anyone can do to help with it, is damn near impossible most the time. We don't want to be alone, we don't want to be struggling, we really would like to have some help, but we aren't sure what to ask for.

When you are struggling and someone asks if they can help, or when you are struggling and you know you need to ask for help, then one of two senarios comes about.

1) You have no idea what to ask for that might help you because getting help for something that is only in your head, and incredibly hard to describe, means knowing what would fix the problem, and you have no idea how to fix the problem.

or

2) You have ideas on what to ask for to get help from people, but you have no idea how to ask for those things, and are pretty sure that they are too much to ask of anyone, even if you did ask.

How am I doing?

Way too often in life, neurotypical people ask if there is anyway they can help us with our struggles, simply out of common courtesy. They have no real desire to do much more than say they are here for you, and maybe let you vent a bit. It's not that they don't care, and it's not that they don't want to help. The issue is that for them, being neurotypical, that's all that is really needed. When they are down or confused or what not, then some kind words, a listening ear, and a smile, can usually be enough to help them feel better enough to keep moving forward with life, even if it didn't fix the issue. So in their minds they are giving you the help that helps them, and that's a big deal.

However, when you are neurodivergent, what is bothering you or what is causing your struggle, will not go away with kind words and a listening ear. Those things are nice, and they may give us the spoons/zen to keep moving forward, but it's not quite enough to actually deal with any of the problems that are currently going on in your head. So we thank them for the help, let them go on about their day, and then go right back into our own minds and fretting over whatever is the current issue in our minds. After a while of people always offering us the exact same thing to try to help, we start to feel guilty that what they offer isn't enough, and fear that if we ask for anything other than what they always offer, we will be too much. So we learn to just bottle it up, smile and nod and thank them, and just stop sharing with them every time there is an issue. After a while of this, we start running out of friends offering to help, and think that it's because we are just too much or not worth their time. When the real answer is that we blocked them out and stopped sharing with them to the point that we inadvertantly pushed them away.

We always feel like no one will understand what's going on in our heads, because often we have no idea what is going on in our own heads. So how do you ask for help from someone else, when even you don't know what's wrong? How do you put that burden on someone when you can't even handle the burden? How do you curse them with the truth of what's going on in your head when you are trying so desperatly not to have the curse yourself?

Well to be honest, the truth is that you aren't cursed. The truth is that even though you may not understand what's going on in your own head, that's okay. The truth is that just because you lean on someone else when you are struggling doesn't mean you are putting everything on them. The truth is that you are never as alone as you feel.

No one can take your struggles away from you and make you better, no one. Anyone who tells you otherwise, no matter how good their intentions, is lying to you and probably to themselves. No one can take away your struggles and make everything better, they can't. What they can do however, is be there for you, support you, and show you that you aren't alone while you battle your any demons/issues/struggles that you have inside your head. And sometimes, actually more often than you might expect, that can be enough to get you through. That can be enough to get you through.

No they may not understand what you are going through, and sure, a lot of your inner thoughts/struggles/issues/demons may be too much for them. However, if they are genuinly willing to be there for you, to show you that you are not alone, that takes one of the biggest struggles we all face out of the equation. That struggle is loneliness, and that struggle hurts more than pretty much any other struggle we may have. Cuz when you are lonely, it's hard to want to put in any of the work to fix your inner issues, because you don't see the point. We all need a reason to fight and get better. We all need a reason to get up every morning and keep going. We all need a reason to want to do better. Having someone there for you is a really good reason.

It's like people who go to the gym together to work out, or people always do study groups together, or any of the millions of online communities in the world. They have all have one thing in common, support. It's always easier to do things when you have the support of those around you. It's always easier to work on things when you know you're not alone and there is someone who see's your progress. It's always easier to do just about anything in life, when you don't feel so alone. 

Guess what? You're not. You're not SO alone. There are plenty of people in this world who are going through similar things as you. There are plenty of people in this world who would by willing to pick up the phone when you call and let you vent. There are plenty of people in this world who want to see you not only survive, but thrive. You may no have met them yet, you may never actually meet them in person, but they are out there. 

So are you struggling? Yes. Do you know what would help? No. Does that mean you don't deserve any help? No. Does that mean you are all alone in this world? No. Are there people out there who would love to be there for you? Yes. 

So, if this is you today, or maybe this was you yesterday, or maybe this will be you tomorrow, please know, You're Not SO Alone. If you don't have people in your own life who would be willing to be there for you, then go online. Find communities and groups and so on of people who are going through what you are going through, join them. You don't have to post yourself, often just reading a post of someone struggling in a similar way, and reading the comments of support from other group members is enough to get rid of the lonely feeling. 

There are people out there, groups out there, communities out there, willing to help and be there for you. Why? Because as I keep saying, and I will always keep saying,

You're Not SO Alone.

Podcast Version

Imposter Syndrome is real, and it needs to be addressed more

 Have you ever heard of the term Imposter Syndrome? No? Well, according to Psychology Today, Imposter Syndrome is defined as:

"People who struggle with imposter syndrome believe that they are undeserving of their achievements and the high esteem in which they are, in fact, generally held. They feel that they aren’t as competent or intelligent as others might think—and that soon enough, people will discover the truth about them."

Now, this explanation leaves out those of us who are neurodivergent, who have spent our lives being told we are going to accomplish amazing things, only to struggle to reach the level that was expected of them. That or we find something that we enjoy doing, but we aren't at the level that we want to be at, so when we get compliments we beleive that we don't deserve them. We beleive we are a huge fraud, and that if people knew just how much better we could be at it, then they would understand just how wrong they are about their compliment.  Or, it can even be when those we love, think that we are caring and loving, but we feel like we could be, and should be, doing more for them. So we feel like we are a fraud, that they wouldn't really love us if they knew just how much more we think they deserve, but we can't give.

If you connected with any of those, or know anyone who can connect with any of those, then you understand more about Imposter Syndrome than you think you do. It is something that can affect us once or twice in our lives, or it could be something that completely controls our lives. Either way, it's there, and the majority of us who suffer from it have no idea how to handle it. It is a feeling that can be COMPLETELY overwhelming to the point of feeling as if you will never be able to live up to what other people see in you. It can be trigged by depression but it can also trigger/worsen depression. It is a feeling that can then take over every part of your life. Because of course if you are an imposter with one main thing, than you must be an imposter in other places of your life, right? Maybe everything you do is actually worse than people beleive. Oh, and any time something happens in your life where someone thinks you're doing well at it, but you know that they are wrong but you've been hiding your struggle with it, that just adds to the already mounting suspiscion that everything you do is fake, and soon everyone will know it and hate you for it.

The part of all of this, that those with Imposter Syndrome often miss, is that we are our own worst critics. No one can put us down, or put us "in our place", better than we can. We are looking at every compliment that we are given through the same lens we use to judge ourselves, and it's a lens that is twisted and dirty and cracked and shouldn't ever be used. However, that is the lens we have become accustomed to, so that is the lens we just keep using. Why get something new when this one still works for us? Why get rid of the lens when it's become part of our every day life? Besides, we are just being honest, right? We are being blunt honest about ourselves and everyone else just refuses to take us off the pedestal they have us placed on. Once they do though, once they take us down from the pedastel, they will see us for who we really are, the awful broken person we see in the mirror every day. That's how that works right? That's how all of life works, right?

Wrong, that's not how life works, that is how the intrusive thoughts work, and Imposter Syndrome feeds off of those intrusive thoughts. It loves those thoughts because they always find a way to prove itself right. It's something that's called a "Self Fullfilling Prophecy". The bad thing only happens because we spent so much time focusing on it, that we made it happen, and then used that thing happening, to embolden our intrusive thoughts to bring us even more down than we already were. It feeds on our personal frustrations, and how we see the world through the lens of self judgement. Imposter Syndrome loves nothing more than to push you down and make you hate yourself for not seeing yourself as others do. 

How do we combat imposter syndrome though? How do we make ourselves feel like we deserve the compliments/praise/positions of power/respect/etc that we have convinced ourselves we are undeserving of? How do we do it without becoming someone who is too into themselves? How do we accept all the accolaides that we feel we don't deserve, without feeling like we are being self obsessed or vain or conceited or narcissitic? Most of us have spent our lives being taught not to be that way, so how can we avoid it, and still accept the compliments? Well, first you have to understand that there is a huge difference between acknowledging/accepting compliments, and feeling like you deserve them. There is a difference between appreciating them and embracing them. When you accept a compliment, you are litterally just thanking the person for their kind words, giving yourself a small pat on the back for doing a good job, and continuing on with what you were doing. It's such a simple thing to do and yet it can be insanely hard to accomplish. On the other hand, if you were being vain or conceited or what not, you would only be doing the things to get the praise, or would always expect praise with everything that you do. Those of us with Imposter Syndrome don't have that issue, so we really shouldn't be too worried about coming across that way if we just accept the compliment.

Also, when it comes to accepting compliments from others, you don't actually have to beleive them. You just have to accept that they beleive it, and that it is coming from a place of love and care for you. Just because we have a hard time loving and caring for ourselves quite often, doesn't mean others can't love and care for us. Those two things are not mutually exclusive, and actually those people who say that "You can't love someone else, until you learn to love yourself" are wrong. They are looking at it from a neurotypical point of view, and refuse to accept that it's not that way for everyone. However, that's a conversation for another day. Today we are discussing how to accept that you have imposter syndrome, and how to try to learn to move past it.

Learning to move past our imposter syndrome will help with so many parts of life. Not just with accepting compliments and the like, but also with our own views of ourselves. Our self view is one that needs the most work, and if we can stop thinking of ourselves as imposters, maybe we could actually see just how amazing we can be, without the narcissim. Got my fingers crossed for you.

Podcast Version