Have you ever heard of the term Imposter Syndrome? No? Well, according to Psychology Today, Imposter Syndrome is defined as:
"People who struggle with imposter syndrome believe that they are undeserving of their achievements and the high esteem in which they are, in fact, generally held. They feel that they aren’t as competent or intelligent as others might think—and that soon enough, people will discover the truth about them."
Now, this explanation leaves out those of us who are neurodivergent, who have spent our lives being told we are going to accomplish amazing things, only to struggle to reach the level that was expected of them. That or we find something that we enjoy doing, but we aren't at the level that we want to be at, so when we get compliments we beleive that we don't deserve them. We beleive we are a huge fraud, and that if people knew just how much better we could be at it, then they would understand just how wrong they are about their compliment. Or, it can even be when those we love, think that we are caring and loving, but we feel like we could be, and should be, doing more for them. So we feel like we are a fraud, that they wouldn't really love us if they knew just how much more we think they deserve, but we can't give.
If you connected with any of those, or know anyone who can connect with any of those, then you understand more about Imposter Syndrome than you think you do. It is something that can affect us once or twice in our lives, or it could be something that completely controls our lives. Either way, it's there, and the majority of us who suffer from it have no idea how to handle it. It is a feeling that can be COMPLETELY overwhelming to the point of feeling as if you will never be able to live up to what other people see in you. It can be trigged by depression but it can also trigger/worsen depression. It is a feeling that can then take over every part of your life. Because of course if you are an imposter with one main thing, than you must be an imposter in other places of your life, right? Maybe everything you do is actually worse than people beleive. Oh, and any time something happens in your life where someone thinks you're doing well at it, but you know that they are wrong but you've been hiding your struggle with it, that just adds to the already mounting suspiscion that everything you do is fake, and soon everyone will know it and hate you for it.
The part of all of this, that those with Imposter Syndrome often miss, is that we are our own worst critics. No one can put us down, or put us "in our place", better than we can. We are looking at every compliment that we are given through the same lens we use to judge ourselves, and it's a lens that is twisted and dirty and cracked and shouldn't ever be used. However, that is the lens we have become accustomed to, so that is the lens we just keep using. Why get something new when this one still works for us? Why get rid of the lens when it's become part of our every day life? Besides, we are just being honest, right? We are being blunt honest about ourselves and everyone else just refuses to take us off the pedestal they have us placed on. Once they do though, once they take us down from the pedastel, they will see us for who we really are, the awful broken person we see in the mirror every day. That's how that works right? That's how all of life works, right?
Wrong, that's not how life works, that is how the intrusive thoughts work, and Imposter Syndrome feeds off of those intrusive thoughts. It loves those thoughts because they always find a way to prove itself right. It's something that's called a "Self Fullfilling Prophecy". The bad thing only happens because we spent so much time focusing on it, that we made it happen, and then used that thing happening, to embolden our intrusive thoughts to bring us even more down than we already were. It feeds on our personal frustrations, and how we see the world through the lens of self judgement. Imposter Syndrome loves nothing more than to push you down and make you hate yourself for not seeing yourself as others do.
How do we combat imposter syndrome though? How do we make ourselves feel like we deserve the compliments/praise/positions of power/respect/etc that we have convinced ourselves we are undeserving of? How do we do it without becoming someone who is too into themselves? How do we accept all the accolaides that we feel we don't deserve, without feeling like we are being self obsessed or vain or conceited or narcissitic? Most of us have spent our lives being taught not to be that way, so how can we avoid it, and still accept the compliments? Well, first you have to understand that there is a huge difference between acknowledging/accepting compliments, and feeling like you deserve them. There is a difference between appreciating them and embracing them. When you accept a compliment, you are litterally just thanking the person for their kind words, giving yourself a small pat on the back for doing a good job, and continuing on with what you were doing. It's such a simple thing to do and yet it can be insanely hard to accomplish. On the other hand, if you were being vain or conceited or what not, you would only be doing the things to get the praise, or would always expect praise with everything that you do. Those of us with Imposter Syndrome don't have that issue, so we really shouldn't be too worried about coming across that way if we just accept the compliment.
Also, when it comes to accepting compliments from others, you don't actually have to beleive them. You just have to accept that they beleive it, and that it is coming from a place of love and care for you. Just because we have a hard time loving and caring for ourselves quite often, doesn't mean others can't love and care for us. Those two things are not mutually exclusive, and actually those people who say that "You can't love someone else, until you learn to love yourself" are wrong. They are looking at it from a neurotypical point of view, and refuse to accept that it's not that way for everyone. However, that's a conversation for another day. Today we are discussing how to accept that you have imposter syndrome, and how to try to learn to move past it.
Learning to move past our imposter syndrome will help with so many parts of life. Not just with accepting compliments and the like, but also with our own views of ourselves. Our self view is one that needs the most work, and if we can stop thinking of ourselves as imposters, maybe we could actually see just how amazing we can be, without the narcissim. Got my fingers crossed for you.
